You ask
Why do I dance?
Why do I sing?
Why do I jump around
Arms flailing
Like someone who is
In a manic state?
It’s because of Him.
Yes, this God that you hate
This God that you declared has sealed your fate
To that life of a 9-5, that lonely apartment
With that neighborhood with drive-by’s.
Your life where you need
All those pills, syringes
Coke binges galore.
Those nights where you try to remember before
All the pain and the hurt and those thoughts in your head.
The days before you thought about being dead.
So you throw a fist to the sky
And curse His Holy Name.
Yell and scream, try to place all the pain all the shame
On the One who loves.
Oh my child there’s freedom.
Yes this God.
The One you despise
Is the One who gives me that glimmer in my eye.
I worship Him because He is.
You see,
I was just like you.
Crawling and scratching
My way out of a pit
Only to realize
There’s more than one layer of it.
Hopeless.
I’d yell and cry to God.
But I was so blind.
Thought my answers were found in suicide.
But He’s the God that saves,
Gave me new life
Paved a new way
For the child that was broken.
Now I worship in freedom.
Oh sweet surrender.
This
is why I dance.
Worship is not music.
Worship is not dance.
Worship is not a song.
Worship is not painting.
All these things are words we would associate with the term worship. We have a worship service before the preaching on Sundays. Music is played, people dance and sing. It’s not wrong. It’s just we confined the term “worship” to these specific thing.
The other day I spent time and looked up the definition of worship.
Adore; revere
In the sight, in the presence
To be pious (*pious is to show a dutiful spirit of reverence to God)
To kiss; to fawn or crouch to.
Man I finally saw the movie The Passion of the Christ for the first time last weekend. I always knew it was intense, but I really never realized just how intense it was until I sat there, speechless, watching it. This movie totally messed me up. The whole way through the movie I was just being reminded of Matthew 16:24, (Then Jesus said to his disciples, “if anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me”). I just kept hearing that verse over and over in my head.
I really had a realization that night. I realized that today, we made that verse so flowery and poetic to our Christianity. Countless times I’ve heard Pastors say things like “church, today is the day to pick up your cross and follow Jesus”. It’s meant to inspire, I get that, but I’m not sure most people truly understand what this verse is asking of us.
If you don’t understand it, man I encourage you to find the movie somewhere and take the 2 hours out of your life to watch it. I always knew the story of Jesus. That he was brought to the earth to die for our sins on the cross. I’ve read the stories in the Bible countless times where it tells the story of his life up to the point where he ascends to Heaven. But something happened inside me when I actually saw the events that led up to his crucifixion being played out on that television screen. I never saw the story and life of Jesus in that perspective.
Maybe I’m just naive, but I always understood Jesus to be this superhuman dude. Not this living, breathing, emotion filled human being that he was. To see him cry out to God in the garden, asking Him for mercy on what was about to be done (him being crucified) really got me.
He was spit on, hit, kicked, whipped, beaten with weapons that actually tore out his flesh. He had thorns placed on his head (they were more or less pressed into his skull), he was forced by those who were crucifying him to carry his cross throughout town after he was beaten and his body was broken, up to the place where he would die.Not exactly superhuman eh?
So what does it mean to take up your cross and follow Jesus? We’re not guaranteed this fabulous life after we accept Him into our hearts. If that were the case, we would miss out on so much of His love and grace I think. Taking up your cross is dealing with getting persecuted and still remaining faithful to God. It’s not backing away from your Creator when things go downhill. It’s standing up for Christ when nobody around you will. It’s sacrificing you’re life, or placing your own self to the side to serve the Lord.
Jesus took up his cross. I think a lot of the times when the persecution by our class mates or co-workers come, we back away from our cross. It becomes exactly what the world wants it to become, a thing of shame. As I watched the scene where Jesus was carrying his cross to the hill where he would die, it broke my heart. He was human like us. He was beaten, yet he kept walking closer and closer to his death. Continuously being whipped and spit on. But he never walked away from the cross. Needless to say, I cried like a baby. He very easily could have not gone through with it, not been crucified, put himself before the Kingdom and lived a happy normal life and then died at an old age. But even through all the pain and social torment, he stuck with his cross. He picked it up and did what he knew his life was for.
So it’s the Friday before Spring Break ends, so what do I do as a college student? Go hit up the New York State Museum. I’ve been there a thousand times in the past, museums interest me for some reason. All that history in one place is just amazing.
I had an eerie revelation today as I was walking around there. I never saw the 9/11 memorial they had there until today. It’s overwhelming to say the least. You walk into this room and it takes your breath away; literally. I remember hearing about the attacks, I remember exactly where I was and what I was doing, but it never had that effect on me that this was one of the biggest events in American History.
The exhibit is just so surreal. The instant you walk into it, you feel the haunting presence of what that day signified. You see letters kids wrote to families, memorials, debris from the towers. Nobody in there was talking. You just walk around in silence and look at everything on display. What words could you possibly say in something like that? There are no words that can be used to describe what you feel in that atmosphere. A gargantuan sense of loss, is as close as I can get to describing it.
The thing that really got me, and I mean really got me, was the fire truck. The front of it was pretty much destroyed and the metal on the sides was all bent in. I saw that, and this overwhelming sense of sadness came over me. It’s almost like that feeling you get after hearing your hero died. You can’t talk, cry,move or anything of that nature. You just stand there frozen. I saw that firetruck, the thing that was made to help people yet here was one destroyed, and I realized something; we, as Americans, are not invincible.
I remember that feeling I had in me all day Sept 11th. I felt like we weren’t going to be alright, that someone just took away something so significant to us and we’re not going to be able to take it back. I didn’t feel safe. I remember that night asking my mom if I was going to die because of this event. I was scared.
I got those same feelings as I walked around this exhibit today. Feelings festered inside me that I didn’t think would, not at a museum anyways.
We hold our country up on a pedestal that we think no one can reach us. I had a very real awakening today as I saw first hand some of the debris and artifacts from the World Trade Center exhibit. All I kept thinking was “oh my God, we’re not invincible”
I didn’t mean for this to be a dark entry, just think about it.
One thing before I jump into what I want to say in this post. I’ve really been enjoying the Linus series I started writing. It was totally one of those God Inspired things, and I love seeing where He takes this.
Just a little recap. We’re talking about security blankets; anything that we place in front of God for a sense of security or safety. I last touched on what happens when we finally give up control of our security blankets and hand them over to God. But I kind of want to jump back to the time just before we finally surrender.
You ever feel like that’s you and God sometimes? I don’t think it can get any more clearer than that video right there. When we carry these things that are just meant to be put down, God starts to intervene. All He wants, is for us to place Him first in our lives. I can’t tell you how many times God has said to me “let it go, Jess”. But do we listen? of course we don’t! We’re the most stubborn people on the face of the earth! So it kind of becomes this tug-of-war between us and God. You saw in the video, the same type of battle going on between Snoopy and Linus (ok so maybe there’s was a little more violent than what we face when battling God, but you get the point). If you think about it, you know what I’m saying is true. In that moment when God places even just a finger on our oh so precious blankets, we’re right there to duke it out with Him.
Truth is, if Gods placing His finger on something in our lives, it’s probably not too smart to fight Him on it. He wants only what’s best for us. These things that used to bring security to us, if we’re not careful or if we don’t even realize it can become something that covers God in our lives.(if you read that carefully, I have a clever play on words! Get it? cuz a blanket covers things? hehe I’m so clever!… but anyways!)
You saw Linus in that video. There was n0 way the dude was about to even remotely share the blanket with Snoopy. Sounding a little familiar? We tend to get the selfish attitude when it comes to the time where Gods trying to get us to give up our security blanket. I don’t know about any of you, but I know when I faced this type of battle with God, I was in it to win it man! But in all reality, you really think it’s that hard of a battle for God?
HE’S GOD! Come on, be serious for just one minute. He’s got to be up there laughing hysterically as we’re in this “battle”, giving it our all to hold onto this thing. We think we’re making progress, which is just plain old silly! In reality, this Tug-Of-War match is actually going a little something like this:
We’re really making NO progress. God has all the time in the world and all it would take is for Him to tug that rope just a little bit and we’d be flying across that line faster than I don’t know what. But He wants us to rely on Him. So He just waits it out, and waits for us to come to the inevitable conclusion that we lost this fight way before it even started.
So if you’re continuing to battle God with control over your security blanket, please listen to my advice. LET IT GO ALREADY!!
STOP FIGHTING A BATTLE THAT YOU’RE GOING TO LOSE!
In my last post, I discussed the idea of having a security blanket. Something that we hold onto that comforts us in our every day lives. It’s without a doubt that Linus was dependent on his blanket. Before I go any further on Linus’s blanket dependency, if you didn’t watch the video at the top of this post, please take the couple minutes to watch it.
Poor Linus, right? All the kid wanted was his blanket back! But going along with the main idea of having a security blanket, Linus was totally in like a state of shock without it. He was so used to it always being there, that once he gave it to Charlie Brown to hold onto for a bit, he didn’t really know what to do with himself.
If you read part 1 of this, you know what I’m talking about when I say security blanket. It can be anything we rely on to give us that secure feeling in life, besides God. Now, isn’t that what the Bible would call an idol? Yes. But for the illustration of this blog that I’ve been using (Linus and the Peanuts characters) I’m going to call them security blankets.
You saw Linus go visit Charlie Brown, and almost immediately after he saw Charlie (after regaining consciousness that is), he began harping on the fact that he was without his blanket. “I can’t go without it” he even cries to him. A little dramatic, but come on! All this kid ever knew was his blue blanket and once he gave up control of it to Charlie Brown, he was like a lost puppy. We tend to get the Linus syndrome when we place control of our security blankets in the hands of God. That thing that we no longer have in our hands, gave us all the comfort in the world, but then it’s gone. And you know we as humans start whining to God (just as Linus whined to Charlie) about how tough life is without our security blankets.
In that video, if we were to compare that situation to our lives and our relationship with God, Charlie Brown would be in the place of God. Now, I am not calling him God, please don’t think I’m blaspheming. I’m using a descriptive analogy to get my point across for this post. What did Linus do? The same thing any of us do when we give up something that is so near and dear to us. We complain and whine and get the “I can’t live without it” mindset. Now come on, it’s a blanket for heavens sake. Is it really that big of a deal to not have it? no. But like I said, it’s all Linus ever knew. The same goes for us. We get into these awful habits of always having something with us that brings us security, that when we give it to God and place Him in the place that was once filled by our own blanket, it’s a terrifying thing. The withdrawals set in, and we pretty much go to God and beg Him to let us have it back. Those first few months without it, feels like a completely different life is starting. Because it is.
God wants us running to Him and not these things that we’ve relied on. Now, some of you might be wondering, “well why can’t I still have my blanket and be fully relying on God? Why do I have to get rid of my blanket all together?” Think of it as a crutch. When you break your leg and can’t put pressure on the leg, you without a doubt use crutches to help you move along. But when your leg heals and you can go back to walking normally, you don’t continue to use the crutches right? Or think of it this way:
Before you were saved, you were broken. You had things in your life that you relied on to get you through the day or the trials you faced. These things held you up. But when by grace, God saved you, you got healed. Was it instantaneous? Maybe, but for the majority of us the healing comes with time. Your bones started becoming stronger because you were being healed and God was making you stronger. That trust in Him was being built, and He wants us to get to the point where we trust nothing but Him and His Word.
So of course there will come a time where He asks us to give up these things and trust in Him. Those first few weeks, months even, seem so scary and overwhelming. That’s where the “I can’t live without it” mentality tries to overtake us, but once you get past that, and put your full trust in God, life without the blanket is easier and even more comfortable than with it.
For some odd reason, be it stress or my immature mindset, I keep thinking back to the classic Peanuts cartoon.
I wanna talk about my man Linus for a minute or two.
Linus is a pretty chill kid. He’s got a girl, although he’s not all too interested in Sally (ew cooties!) and the kid is wise well beyond his years. Don’t believe me? Go Youtube or Google the scene in the x-mas episode where he’s given the wicked sweet monologue about the meaning of Christmas. What child his age (btw, how old are they?) can even comprehend 1/4 of what he said? I know every time I watch it, there’s that moment where I pause and go, “What?!”
I gotta say, besides Schroeder, Linus is probably my favorite character in the Peanuts. The thing about Linus that I keep coming back to in my head, is his blanket.
Oh the ever so infamous blue baby blanket! Who could forget about it? He carried that thing everywhere with him. When his sister ragged on him for carrying it, he didn’t get rid of it or put it down; he continued to carry it with him with his head held high. I love that about him. Except for that one episode where he actually tried to get rid of the blanket, you never saw Linus without it.
To Linus, that blanket had so much meaning to his life. Memories were associated with it, and the blankets presence gave him comfort. That right there is what I keep coming back to over and over. All of us, I don’t care who you are, can relate to how Linus felt about his blanket.
Truth is, we all have something we just “have to have” with us. People might be constantly telling us that it’s time to put it down and move on. They’re the, to go along with the Peanuts theme I have going here, Lucy’s of our lives. They’ll just tell it straight to our faces whether we want to hear it or not! You think Linus really wanted to be hearing how childish his blanket was? No, I don’t think he did. Why am I talking about all this, might you be thinking? Well I’ll tell you.
Like I said, we all have something we hold onto well beyond what we should and for most of us, it’s emotional. These security blankets, give us just that; security. Most of the time, life is so unbalanced and not secure that it can be overwhelming and even scary. As you’re reading this, I’m sure that thing you turn to is popping in your head. You know exactly what I’m talking about here. Is having a security blanket a bad thing? of course not! Every person at one point or another had one. But think back at what I said earlier, about how Lucy would mock him for still carrying it with him. The blanket was at one time appropriate for Linus. He was young enough where having a blanket with him was acceptable. But as time went on, and Linus became more mature, grown up and people started expecting that sort of behavior from him, the blanket became less and less acceptable.
I can’t help but think about my relationship with God and how this so perfectly ties in with the Linus/blanket scenario. At one time in my life, there were things that I would look to for security. Whether it be my music, writing or anything else that would help me. I would use these things to place a sense of “everything’s going to be alright”, in me. But as I began growing in relationship with Jesus, I started noticing that those things that meant so much to me and gave me such a sense of stability and security were becoming less and less acceptable. Now am I saying that listening to music or writing isn’t acceptable? Of course not, if I were then I’d be contradicting everything I’ve ever done with writing or music! But what I am saying is that those things, like a blanket does, covered something.
I hate to use such a word as idolatry, it’s one of those words people shake their heads at and associate it with wooden idols or what have you. But it’s really not as obvious as you might be thinking. I’ve spoken on this in the past, but I feel as if though it really fits in with this post. An idol is really anything we place in front of God in our lives. So yes, even these so called security blankets can be turned into an idol if we look to that for security before God. Just something to think about.
Linus is the man and all, but unlike him, learn when it’s time to let go of the security blankets we once looked to for comfort and instead turn to God.
I want to share with you the Scripture that inspired this post.
Matthew 9:9-13
As Jesus went on from there, he saw a man named Matthew sitting at the tax collector’s booth. “Follow me,” he told him, and Matthew got up and followed him.
While Jesus was having dinner at Matthew’s house, many tax collectors and “sinners” came and ate with him and his disciples. When the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, “why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners?”
On hearing this, Jesus said, “It’s not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. But go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice.’ For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners”
The Son of GOD, ate with people who society looked down on. Can you imagine being there? Better yet, can you imagine what’s going through the Pharisees heads at the moment they glance over and see JESUS, chowing down on some grub with well known sinners and tax collectors? Pharisees are like, the top dog those days in the church. I can just see a Pharisee walking down the road, and it just so happens they glance in the window of Matthews house to see Jesus sitting there eating with him. One of two things has got to be running through their head. It’s either:
A) “Why can’t Jesus come eat with ME?? This Matthew chump isn’t nearly as high on the social ring as I am. What’s wrong with me?”
Yeah, you know what I’m getting at. Mr. Big-Bad-Pharisee throwing a classic temper tantrum because the Son of God isn’t eating with him. Or it’s this:
B) That Jesus must be TRIPPIN! Those people he be dining with be straight up sinners! What the crap is that? He ain’t even half right to be in that room! Oh he the Son of God? Why he be in they house eating witem!?
Alright, so maybe they wouldn’t talk exactly like that. But you see what I’m getting at? Straight up anger and hostility, even jealousy towards Jesus for dining with sinners. Is “Do not covet thy neighbor” ringing any bells? Ten Commandments!
To be honest, it really doesn’t matter what the Pharisees thought of Jesus. I just thought it would be a funny description of what they might have been thinking at that moment. These “sinners” Jesus ate with, deserved to be in the presence of God. They were the least righteous out of all the people around, and I’m sure they knew it. It’s people like that, who need the grace of God in their lives. Infact, what this is saying is, if you look at yourself and think you’ve got it all together on your own, you’re not going to be saved. It’s those of us who look at ourselves, knowing we are sinners, and knowing there’s nothing we can do about it on our own, those are the things that will save us. Not the self reliance that the Pharisees and “righteous” people had.
This display of grace and mercy in Matthew 9, is an incredible depiction of Gods grace. He sought out the lowest of the lowest people in society and spent time dining with them.
I’ve really been reflecting on my relationship with God the past week or so. With a lot of craziness going on, I’ve really been feeling drained, and honestly, been feeling anything but close to God. I find myself crying out to Him, wondering where He is in the midst of all this. When I face trials, I tend to feel disconnected from God, and it takes all that’s in me to remind myself why I’m in relationship with Him in the first place.
The Reason: I cannot do this life without Him. I’d be lost and have no purpose.
Something I found out the hard way.
This has been on my mind, in relation with the younger generation, and even still my generation. Actually, this can apply to anyone really.
- I look around and see young people attending church every weekend, yet it’s not for them. They grew up in the church, they’re following their parents religion and their parents faith in God. Not their own.
- Or those that love God, and I mean genuinely love God, because of what He has done. I’d have to say, I fit into this category perfectly. He’s provided so much for me in my life and has set me free from so many things, how could I not love my Saviour? I constantly think of all He’s done for me, especially when times are hard, and it keeps me humble in my faith. It makes me want to go to Him and just abandon myself before Him.
- Then are those who love God, because He is God. Man, I wish I could place myself in that category. There’s no reason they’re worshiping Him and serving Him, besides the fact that He is God.
So just think about this sometime, why do YOU worship God?
Mental Illness in the Past 10 Years.
Posted: March 7, 2011 in Depression, Hollywood, Interrupted, Media, Mental Illness, Suicide, TelevisionOur society has been increasingly more receptive to mental illnesses over the past decade or so. I was on the internet and found an interview that actress Winona Ryder did with ABC, after she executive produced the 1999 film, Girl, Interrupted. At the time, she was considered brave to publicly speak out about her fight with depression and her anxiety attacks she suffered as a young adult.
You look at most celebrities out there nowadays, and you notice that they all have something in common. Mental illness. Depression is one of the most common mental illnesses, and most celebrities admit to having suffered from the disease.
It’s pretty obvious, if you look at the facts, that the stigma surrounding mental illness has become less severe over the years. Depression, doesn’t hold the “crazy” stereotype it once did. Heck if that were still true, most of us reading this would be considered crazy. Still, sadly it’s growing in number of how many people suffer from depression, but people now are more acceptable of reaching out.
I think back on that interview of Winona Ryder, and you can tell it was a big deal at the time. The questions they asked her, and situations she talked about being in, were things the public weren’t used to hearing from a celebrity then. She talks about hiding the fact she was depressed and having anxiety attacks from her co-workers, out of fear that they’d think she was “crazy”.
It’s relieving to me to know that mental illness and it’s effect on people is so less taboo than it once was. That people are out there talking about it, and helping others, all while possibly helping themselves.
Jessica's Blog 