Looking Back {One Year Later}

Posted: May 24, 2011 in Uncategorized

I remember a year ago, the exact spot in life I was at. To say I was a mess, is a total understatement. There was a lot going on in my personal life back then, that I used it as an excuse to dive into some really dumb things, to put it simply. All I could focus on was the negative things going on, when in return,God was pulling with everything that He had to lure me back into His safety.

Some of you might think what I’m about to say made me a weak Christian, and some of you are going to be able to relate to this so well. A year ago, I was trying to have the best of both worlds. God and the world. I loved Christ back then, I really did, but I was still looking for that worldly fulfillment that I thought I needed in order to be happy. I’ve talked a lot about my struggle with cutting in this blog, but I also struggled with drinking. You know that scripture that says you cannot serve both God and money, for you will love one and hate the other? Well, the same concept goes for any of those worldly crutches we rely on.

I remember asking one of my friends one time while I was drinking if I was going to Hell because of what I was doing in that moment. You see, I knew it was wrong but it alleviated the pain I was feeling for a little bit. And Sunday mornings? Forget about it! The feeling I had walking around that sanctuary was the worst feeling in the world.

You ever get the feeling like every single person who looks at you, knows what you did the night before? It’s one of the worst feelings in the world. I’d spend the worship service on my face begging God to once again forgive me for getting drunk the night before. It was awful. I didn’t feel like I belonged in that seat listening to the messages. But something told me I needed to be there.

You see, that’s the awesome thing about God. We give up on ourselves way before He gives up on us. He never gives up on us. The minute we make a mistake, we kick ourselves and put ourselves down. We repent, of course, and then an hour later we go back and ask Him to forgive us for the same thing we just repented of. Some of the things we do, God must just sit back and nod his head and laugh at. For me, the thing I do that He probably laughs at is, “God, I know you probably don’t believe me, but I really am sorry!”. I can just picture Him up there being like “Jess really? I know your heart, remember?”.

It’s kind of funny how we base how we talk to God, off of how we would talk to people here on earth. You’re probably saying, “well yeah that’s how we should talk to Him”. Let me be clearer. When we apologize to our friends or a family member for doing something stupid, we always spurt out the “you might not believe me but..” line, because there’s still that lack of trust or whatever in a relationship. But with God, it’s nowhere near that. He loves us, He would give anything to us. Especially forgiveness when it’s sincere repentance. You’re probably really confused as to what this has to do with the subject of where I was a year ago, let me proceed with this.

I was that person a year ago who saw God in the relationship aspect of just another person. I lacked that trust that He’d forgive me so I kept going back. I had it all wrong. But over the past year I’d like to think I’ve grown in my relationship with Him. Now, I don’t spend hours begging for forgiveness. I don’t rely on the numbing affect of alcohol to take away my pain.

As a matter of fact, this June, the day after my birthday actually, will be a year since I’ve had a drink. To me, that’s a huge step in my life. I’ve come so far in just a years time, that if I ran into my old self I’m not sure I’d recognize me.


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