New Identity

Posted: February 3, 2011 in Church, God, Jesus, Life, Music, thoughts, Worship

The past week or so, actually ever since I preached at the youth service last Wednesday (January 26th, for those of you who are terrible with dates like I am) I’ve been kind of having an identity crisis. It’s not as dramatic as those words sound, I just can’t think of any other words to call it.

I’ve been finding myself really reflecting on my role in the church. Yesterday I posted a status on Facebook that simply asked “What do you know me best for?” to sort of give clarity to these thoughts and such. Some comments said things about me and my relationship with God, which I loved because that’s the one thing I actually want to be known for. Then someone posted something about me playing guitar on the worship team. That’s the exact thing I wanted to see if people posted.

Do I love the fact that I get to play guitar on the worship team, glorify God with my talent and be surrounded by people who have the same passion for music and God as I do? absolutely I do! I truly believe that me joining the team when I first really became involved in the church playing a huge role in me sticking with it through everything. Even when I was back slidden, I still loved playing guitar with the team. It was my place and it felt like I was made for nothing but to play electric guitar for the worship team.

The past 3 years, my spot on the team meant everything to me. Tuesday nights made my week, and Sunday mornings were exciting as I prepared to go play the worship service before the message those mornings. I thought of nothing but worship and playing guitar. I identified myself as a guitar player to anyone I knew. People ask me about myself and I’d say “I’m Jessica, I’m ___ years old and I play electric guitar.”

So I’m not sure what changed in me the past month or so. As I started school, music was kind of placed to the back a little bit. Not completely, but I didn’t have all this time to sit and play like I would have liked. I think it just finally dawned on me, that even without my guitar, life goes on and it’s still fulfilling. I never thought I would ever speak, or write, those words. Yet they aren’t heartbreaking like they would have been only a few months ago.

I hope people who know me from House of Praise, know me as more than a guitar player. I have more about me than music. These past three weeks that I have not played a Sunday service have been incredible, and I am looking forward to the next 2 weeks I have off as well. I’ve been able to lay low and sort of blend in with the congregation. It’s been a month of clarity and revision for me. I am not stepping down, because I’d find it irresponsible of me to disregard my talent that God has placed inside of me. I’m just tired of being known as “that girl electric player on the worship team”.

This is probably sounding incredibly silly to you as you read this, but I want to find myself outside of music. I want to experience what God has for me outside of music. I love it, don’t get me wrong, but there’s so much more to me. I’d rely on music and my creativity to get me through some of the hardest days I’ve gone through. I’d hide myself in my headphones and feel safer. Music is not my everything any more. I have so much more to offer the community, the congregation, the Kingdom besides my musical gifting. I have a burning passion inside me to help out the hurting. Last week I preached on my testimony, and Gods opened crazy awesome doors in my life sense then. People are asking my advice and being more open about their struggles with things I had previously gone through, that I talked about in my message. My focus and my vision, is changing. I used to want to reach people through my music, and be used by God to touch people through my playing. Now, I want to be used in such a greater level. I want to reach out to the hurting, the lost, the depressed, the hopeless.

There’s more to me than music and I love that fact/ reality!!

  1. tonyb says:

    it’s really hard to identify ourselves as who we are as oppossed to what we do. Whether it’s a job, or a talent, or even a lifestyle. I’m twice as old as you, and I am just starting to figure that out. Whta if we couldn’t play music or write, or even speak? We would still be who God made us, we would still be worth something in HIS eyes.

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