Posted: December 18, 2009 in God, Life, overcoming, self injury

I was lost not too long ago. I had God, had His love and grace. But I threw it all away. Out of anger, hurt and pain. It was easier to blame Him for the terrible things that were happening in my life. I fell from Grace, and I fell hard. I almost threw every good thing I knew away out of pain and hurt.

I came to know of Him in October 2007. I too was lost when I came to Him. Then again I think we all are lost until we find God. I wasn’t happy with my life and I was searching for someone to love me for who I was. I came to the right Church, I encountered the right people and I felt loved. Still there was this void in my heart. I still felt lonely and so out of place, so uncomfortable in my own skin.

In January 2008, I was approached by my youth Pastor and leader of the churches Worship Team to come to a practice and jam with my guitar. She found out I played electric guitar and invited me. I said I would go, not expecting that that one practice would be a life changing thing for me. I was accepted into a group of musicians who used their talent to serve God. I was good at my musical gifting and even though I was still unsaved at the time, God improved my talent and made me even more great than I could have ever imagined.With time that is, it wasn’t an over night thing.

He started bringing people into my life who are now the greatest friends I have ever had. The type of friends who really cared about me, yet I was still blind to their love. I still couldn’t see what was right there in front of me. Honestly, I don’t think I could have spotted a great loving friend if they were to slap me in the face. It was all part of the process.

Then in May 2008, it finally happened. I was up on stage playing rhythm guitar for the worship team at the Encounter Weekend. It was also my Encounter Weekend. It’s part of the process one has to go through in order to become a member of our church. Friday the 30th, I felt Gods presence for the first time in my life. I remember thinking that maybe this was in fact real and people weren’t just crazy. But my answer came the next day during the worship service. I just felt so different, it’s kind of hard to explain. I was up there in front of everyone worshiping, crying my eyes out. As soon as we started the first song I just got this overwhelming sense of peace and stillness. That day, in the middle of doing the one thing that brought me more happiness than anything I was saved.

I was on fire for god until September of 2008. I don’t know what happened. It just went away. That past July I felt His presence in such an intense way at my first Generation Conference, but for some reason it all just vanished. I stopped reading as much of my bible as I should have, started drinking at parties again and that fire just disappeared.

I went through a dry patch in my  walk with God. I was still an active member of the worship team and was still attending services every weekend. I just didn’t feel Him there.

Then the New Year came, and it brought so many changes. But not the good kind. 2009 was probably the most trying year so far. We found out that my Grandpa, whom I was extremely close to had an inoperable asbestos cancer tumor connected to his heart. Since they found that tumor, he was in and out of hospitals until his death in April. I had everyone I knew that prayed, praying for his healing yet it did not come. I remember the day he died, I was at work thinking that I was going to finally go visit him at the hospice wing he was in. Then my dad got home a couple hours after I was out of work and delivered the news he had passed away. I was in a lot of pain emotionally. I didn’t know where to place the pain and hurt and confusion. I remember thinking God had done this to punish me, although I know now that is the farthest thing from the truth.Then, to add to the pain a month later my Aunt passed away from breast cancer. Like my Grandfather, I had had so many people praying for her healing.

I couldn’t understand why God did this to my life. Those events changed me internally. I did the wrong thing and placed all the blame on God and actually hated Him. I became even more depressed and began feeling alone once more. I shut off from the friends I let in. I felt deserving to be alone. I began to cut myself once more.

I struggled with self injury since I was 13. It gave me a sense of escape when I would cut myself. When I got saved in May 2008, I actually stopped until the deaths of my Aunt and Grandpa. I no longer had God in my life, or at least that I was accepting of. I was alone, isolated and completely trapped by my feeling of depression. I began to cut myself everyday and the suicidal thoughts I struggled with in the past came back even more strong and loud then the last time. I would think about suicide everyday. I was being haunted by it. I was being under complete control of my demons. I thought I had a handle on the cutting but when I found myself yearning to do it after a day of not cutting, I slowly started to realize that I was lying to myself by saying I had it all under control. It had me under control.

Then God began pushing His way back in. When I was at my lowest low, He broke through to me. This past November we as a youth group went back to the Generation Conference. The whole time I was hoping for Him to meet me. I was doubting if He was real or if He loved me. I remember on the very lsat day after feeling nothing of His presence the whole time, I got to my knees in worship and begged for Him to save me. I kept repeating to Him that I couldn’t do this anymore. The feelings of having no hope or no one in my life who loved me was too much. I need Him to save me that night, or I was going to go home and end everything.

I was so desperate for Him that night. He did answer that call of help too. I was sitting in my chair that night, during the very last altar call, just looking around the vicinity of the church. I was seeing people crying out to Him and being touched by His love, yet here I was, still hurting, still searching. I told Him that I gave up. That I was no longer going to be a part of the church and any of it. I simply quit.

Not even ten minutes later, someone from our group came up to me and told me he was going to pray over me, that he felt led to do it. I was curious as to what he would say, I figured if He wanted to waste a word to God over me I should just let him do it. God spoke so clearly through him during that prayer. I never talked to this guy about anything about myself. He began speaking against the self injury, the depression and feelings of worthlessness. I just broke. I remember thanking God so much for not hating me, that I loved Him, that I gave it all back to Him. I sat in my chair for what must have been 45 minutes, just crying my heart out. I felt that sense of freedom once more, only this time it felt more permanent.

I fell from the grace of God. Through His forgiveness I have another shot at my salvation. It feels more real this time, more of a forever type thing. I feel so much more free than I ever have. I was lost, but now I’m found.


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