In The Quiet.

Posted: December 17, 2009 in Uncategorized

This morning I woke up to a realization. All was quiet inside me. I woke up feeling at peace. It was the first morning in a while that I didn’t wake up with thoughts in my head. It was just quiet.

Yesterday I went through renouncing. Again. This time I layed out in the open everything I was too scared to give up. All the unforgiveness, feelings of worthlessness, rejection, hopelessness and the addictions I was too scared to reveal the first time. After it was over, I just felt Gods presence. If you’re a Christian you know what I’m talking about. If you’re not I’ll try to explain it the best of my ability. It’s like your heart is racing fast, almost like an anxious feel only it’s more peaceful inside you. I felt that yesterday after it was all over.

I wasn’t expecting to feel that at peace with everything. I went to bed last night and it was the first time I didn’t have any form of suicidal thought. All was just quiet and still. Before this, every night for the past 6 years I would consume my mind with thoughts of ending my own life, because I honestly didn’t feel like any single person in my life loved me or that I was worth anything. Needless to say I gave those thoughts to God and gave Him control of it all, as scary and as terrifying as it was.

I can’t really think of other adjectives to use on how I feel inside right now. I just feel at peace. I was sitting in the total quiet of my room this morning just listening. I didn’t hear His voice, but the thing that just made everything great is I didn’t hear the enemies voice either. I was so used to just listening to his lies in my ear day after day and even worse was that I bought into them. But this morning, and still even now as I write this; I hear nothing. I know it’s only been a little over 24 hours since I renounced everything, but I haven’t had one single suicidal thought. To me that’s a huge thing to declare. I feel like everything is just falling into the perfect place finally and God has me under His wing. I feel safe, peaceful and free from the person the enemy was trying to drag me down to be.

I used to hate the quiet, it freaked me out. But now I think I’ll just bsak in the quietness and enjoy this inner peace! ❤


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