From The Inside Out.

Posted: December 13, 2009 in Uncategorized

I’ve been wondering lately, especially with everything that’s been happeneing to me, what if I wsa no longer myself? I don’t mean changing my entire personality to have an inner change. I mean, what if one day I was no longer in my own skin? If I could get the opportunity to see myself through someone elses eyes and get the chance to meet myself.

I know that’s probably a strange thing to wonder about, but that’s just how my mind workds ladies and gentlemen. It could be the self esteem issue or maybe it’s just my mind is wired all weird like that. But ever since I was in 6th grade, I found myself looking at the people around me every day and wondering how they see me. Kind of like a Freaky Firday type of thing, only my personality would stay inside my old body, and I was no longer Jessica. I was lets say, the new kid in town.

How would they perceive me? What do I really look like to those who don’t know me? I know it’s such a Twilight Zone thing to think about, I guess I’m just curious as to how people I encounter everyday perceive me.

I wonder how I would react to seeing myself. I used to think about the days when I was 16 and 17 years old. I must have come across thousands of new people my Freshman and Sophomore year. I wonder how I would have seen myself then. They were the most trying times I’ve had to live through. I could barely focus and I was pretty much “that emo girl”, sitting in the back of the room writing poems in my notebook and drawing pictures that were less than sun shiney. I’ve never written this on an open blog for everyone to see but I was so depressed that I felt hopeless.

I think about that time and even now, when things aren’t going all too well even though they are getting better. How did I come across and how do I come across? Do I seem fake? Am I good enough to be a friend, am I pretty enough? (which is such a shallow question probably but I wonder about it, it’s sick and self absorbed yes I know). Am I serious or funny enough?What does my voice sound like really??

I try to see myself from the outside but I just can’t imagine it. Like I said it’s such a weird trippy thing to ponder about, yet here we are folks! I know first impressions are important and I wonder what my first impression is to the people I meet. I probably shouldn’t be this concerned as to how I come across to people but I can’t help it, I’m just wired weird like this I guess


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