Futures

Posted: December 7, 2009 in Uncategorized

Lately more than ever I’ve been so indecisive about the road ahead of me. There’s so many roads to choose from. A road I myself want to travel down, helping those who need it most. The road society and the people in my life think I should take, going back to school and not becoming a failure at life. Then there’s the road I’m on now. Staying at my dead-end job making a little more than minimum wage and staying trapped by this less than stellar town and most of the people in it. As cliche as this might sound I’m at that “fork in the road” part of life. I’m trying to go with the road I want so badly to travel down. All the way across the country out in California. I just feel so inspired since everything that happened to me in my life to go and help those out there who are suffering more than I was or am. To start living “Gods Plan” for my life if you will. Honestly I never wanted anything more than this opportunity but there’s so many questions now floating around in my head.
– What if I don’t get in?
– Where will I go if I don’t make it in?
– What if God doesn’t see me as good enough or strong enough to do this?
– What if I do make it but once I get out there I end up blowing it big time?
– What if I slip back down to the person I was when I’m out there?
-What if this isn’t really Gods plan for the next chapter in my life and I’m just lying to myself?

And I know about College. I’ve been blowing it off the past two years, a little part ecause I’m scared of going after my dream of a psychologist and also at the fact I don’t know where I want to spend the rest of my life. I guess I’m still trying to figure that part out. I don’t want to get certified and then move, having to retest in the state I am now living in. So yes, I know what; I just don’t know where.

Out of all this I know from the bottom of my heart I can’t stay where I am for much longer. I feel like it’s starting to be that time whereI need to move on from this. Depending fully on other people for support and working a job I am no longer happy at. I see one of my co-workers who is in her late 30’s or early 40’s and I know that I can’t end up like her. I refuse to end up like her. I have a call on my life and I need to take it or I might go crazy from being less than I think I can be. I look at her and I think “I can’t and/or will not allow myself to be a person in her late 30’s who works as a housekeeper, goes home and smokes a joint then goes out to get drunk everynight then comes back in the morning with a killer hangover talking about the guys who bought her some drinks last night”. I know myself and I know I would be miserable staying here that long doing nothing with my life.

I hope and pray my future, soon to be, involves Road “A”. Heading out to the opposite side of the country and helping those whom need it the most. The addicts and “troubled” teens. I know I can make such an impact on peoples lives with the things I have myself been through. I’m trying my hardest to ignore the thought that this is n’t Gods plan for my life and I’m kidding myself. I just feel it inside me everytime I think about going and I just get excited. Not because I’d be moving away from this place that holds every key moment of my history, but because I know God is going to be able to use me to reach that person who is just crying out for someobody to love them and be there.

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