Her Story.

Posted: December 6, 2009 in Uncategorized

I just want to share with you a story one of my really good friends told me about herself. Recently her and I had the chance to hang out. We usually don’t discuss deep and painful things such as cutting and depression, yet it somehow surfaced that day. She read my first blog entry “LMD: Live To Make A Difference”. It too affected her. She began to spill her pain out towards me. I asked her if I could possibly use her openness and write a blog about it all, letting her know whatever it is she said would remain confidential. No name would be used so their identity would remain hidden. They told me they didn’t care if I wrote it.

This is some of what she told me.
I just want to share her story with you, I found her openness just so graceful and inspirational.

She started off saying with such a dead serious face on her that this type of addiction is unlike any she ever thought she would be in. It was the easiest thing to keep secret, for there are so many places on the human body to cut that nobody would see. Her stomach and thigh are her favorite hiding places. She was basically suffering in silence. Her scream was silent yet so real and on the surface if one could just read the signs. She told me she had been hurting since she was in 8th grade, her eyes remained focused on her hands twiddling her thumbs as she began to open herself up to me. It was one of those moments I knew I didn’t deserve to be apart of yet God had me there for a reason, to reach out to her and show her she IS loved and not alone maybe. To give HOPE to a suffering person.

Telling me bits and pieces of this, she paused a lot, seeing how much I could take in before I pushed her away for being a “emo kid” probably. It had to be hard, she smiled an awkward laugh of relief and continued. I kept telling her I wasn’t judging her, I was just listening to her story and that it was nothing to be ashamed of. She cut herself all throughout her high school career. She said the reason she never never went to dances is because she could never find anything that wouldn’t show her scars. Scars that held such painful reminders of what she had been doing to herself. All her friends would bug her to go to the “next one”, though she never went to a dance. Her junior prom was the only one she attened, said she found a dress she could wear with gloves to hide the scars and cuts on her forearms.

The pain she held inside only remained, becoming amplified as the days, months even years went by. She never told anyone of her friends she was suffering. Sure they saw the cuts and scars she said, yet there was always an excuse to use. At night she used to lie awake until the early morning, brainstorming new excuses to use. I found myself thinking back to those days, I knew her then. I saw her eyes tell a different story than the “I’m fine” she was trying to convince the world around her. Yet I said nothing, kept to myself.

She said that she tried so many times to ignore the need to injure herself and for a while she did. Said she still wasn’t happy but she wasn’t hurting herself. The “cleanstreak” as she put it lsated apparently a year and a half.

I couldn’t imagine how hard it was for her to tell me all of this, knowing in the back of my head there was probably more she wasn’t telling me. Endless nights she spent wondering if she died, would anyobody care. Would anybody notice her absence in this world? Would her family or friends remember her after a month or two passed. She thought nobody would care. Said her dad hated her and made her feel worthless. This made her desicion to try and leave a little easier. She took the pills, only she said she found herself afraid to hurt her mom.

I couldn’t imagine how she had been feeling. She never let anyone in and was suffering so greatly I’m surprised she spilled that story to me.

Her story and pain as weird as this might sound gave me hope. Sure she is still suffering, but she told me she is seeing somebody that can help her now. She gave me hope, she’s still here to share herself with the world. Someone so young has so much to offer the world and they can’t see it. Even when someone tells them how special they are to the world. I don’t know how long it’s been now or if she’s still clean but when she opened her heart and let me in to see herself as she was, it had been only a day since she had injured herself. I know she can do longer. Told her that if she went a whole year and a half without doing this to herself she could go so much farther.

It’s a story of pain, yet a story of hope. ❤

Love gives us all hope.
“You’re not alone. There is more to this I know. You can  make it out. You will live to tell”- Saosin (You’re Not Alone)

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Comments
  1. change146 says:

    This is really powerful stuff. It’s hard to know who has a similar story but in parts of this one, so many people can relate. You never know whose heart you’re touching.

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